Tales from the Hood

Or more specifically, from our building. See, we live in an old factory conversion, where the walls are paper thin, and the courtyard which our windows let out to acts pretty much as an amplifier for all noise.

As summer is approaching, we're starting to look at new places. Our lease ends at the end of August, and we have no intention of renewing. We wouldn't be moving on, if there weren't a few things we just can't overlook. One would be that we have nowhere to store our bikes, except for a basement storage which is difficult to get to; another would be the fact our bathroom is growing all sorts of interesting fungi. The fact that due to recent building rents have plummeted in this area also helps. But as much as I'm looking forward to a new flat, I will miss our lively neighbours.

Neighbour #1: Angry Guy.
Angry Guy's flat is adjacent to our bedroom. He is fond of sex, and his girlfriend(s?) are very vocal about it. Now this in itself wouldn't be interesting, if it weren't for the fact that almost invariably the next day he screams his head off at a female. I presume it's a female, because most guys would punch him in the face as his shrieking gets louder. He seems to have a lot of issues, and has an invertly proportioned fuse. I have never heard anybody scream so much or so loudly. I would think he'd pop a vein or two in his forehead. Come to think of it, I haven't heard a peep out of him since we came back from our travels. Maybe he actually did. Or then he just moved, but where's the fun in that.

Neighbour #2: Phone Girl.
Our flats share an entrance on our floor. Phone girl is always on her mobile, coming and going, night and day. She lives alone, and apparently has a very generous mobile phone plan. Recently she acquired a boyfriend of sorts. She brought him and another couple home one weekend, and yes, you guessed it, they proceeded to have a foursome. Of some sort. Sex was had, by many people, at the very least. The couple eventually left, giggling as they scuttled down the stairs. The boyfriend apparently wasn't too pleased, and a screaming match ensued. Boyfriend hasn't been back since. Seems like a very efficient breakup method, although perhaps a tad excessive.

Neighbour #3: Mr & Mrs Stomper.
They live right above us, unfortunately. This couple cannot walk normally. They stomp, bounce and run around their flat whenever they have to move from one spot to the next. A screaming kid visits on the weekends occasionally, and I can tell this kid is one of their's biological offspring. I swear we can hear the kid coming down the street. I've started peering fearfully at the ceiling, inspecting for telltale signs of the ceiling collapsing on us. Paint chips fall from the window frames occasionally, and I do honestly believe this is caused by the lovely couple. Oh, did I mention the Mrs is a screamer? Not just the sort of oh-I'm-enjoying-myself-porn-movie-style type, oh no. She sounds more like, dare I say, a rape victim? Yet clearly this is not the case. They occasionally partake in the whose-music-is-loudest contest with R&B (I counter with proper Scandi metal), and they have been known to play Barry White to get In The Mood.

Neighbour #4 Dude with the Worst Taste on the Entire Fucking Planet.
Aka the reason for the abovementioned whose-music-is-loudest contests. This guy is also semi-deaf, or so it would seem. The entire building gets to enjoy his terrible music, along the lines of easy-listening ethnic compilations (think of the discount CDs you can get at, say, a pharmacy, which are actually from the better end of his musical repertoire--he also enjoys bad musicals, but my imaginary therapist has advised me the mental blockage is good in this case). He watches really bad tv shows with really obnoxious laugh tracks (and then guffaws even louder himself) in the evenings and yes, you guessed it, begins his mornings criminally early with the BBC breakfast show (I wouldn't know what it is, no sane person should be awake enough to watch any morning show that early). Did I mention we get to enjoy his cultural offerings even with our windows closed?

Neighbour #5 Mr & Mrs User Manual.
Now these people aren't really next-door neighbours, but they do live in the same building complex.
One day I was looking out my window, and Mr & Mrs were getting into a car in the courtyard. They got in the car, and the Mr whipped out a manual. They then spent about 30 min (and I am not even exaggerating) going through the manual and fiddling with the airvents, trying out the blinkers and the windshield wipers... They did even start the car, shifted a few gears without releasing the clutch, again consulting the manual meticulously, but they didn't actually drive anywhere. Maybe that was enough learning for one day.
The next day the car was gone, and I haven't seen it since. Now, one of my biggest peeves at work is the fact that most people don't bother looking at their manuals for even the simplest of things, but this is the first time I've seen anybody consult a manual when getting into a car.

I could not possibly end this post without mention of the music wars; I think the most amount and variety of music in the whose-music-is-the-loudest contest was last winter when Dude with the Worst Taste on the Entire Fucking Planet was enjoying his folksy Abba-ripoffs, Mr Stomper countered with R&B, somebody else decided to go with techno and I generously put together a nice playlist of the worst metal I could think of. It was actually quite funny, and the fact our sound system is pretty good definitely helped (every once in a while I'd turn the music down a bit to see whether they'd given in or not--this went on for a couple of hours).

I think this is the first time in history I will actually miss annoying neighbours when I move.